The thing I thought could never happen. Happened.

I tend to lose control of a lot of things, but most of all, I lose control of my confidence in how I live.
I am cynical.
I am mean.
I get angry.
I hurt other people.

But I do not do that all the time.

I lost control of my hopes and my dreams. I lost them.
Or, I let them go.
I let them go because right now, there is no point.

Waking

Waking up in the city. its somewhat overwhelming. The people you are going to meet today might already judge you once you walk through a door. So you should wear something nice. I can think of all the things to make my day more productive.  But lately I cannot deal with stress or the pressure I put on myself. I figured i will always meet people who are more productive and successful than me. Wiser and more ambitious. I fear I have lost my ambition.  My vision of the future used to keep me going. Now I am constantly in the present. It is so regular and plain. Like the walls of my room. Waiting for color.  And for excitement.

But I fail to bring that back.

What the heck am I doing . . .

I am reflecting on all the moments that have brought me to where I am now. Some days I am incredibly happy and proud of everything I have done. Other days I feel kind of depressed that I am unemployed. It is not because I desperately need money or I will be evicted from my apartment or anything like that. But somehow in my mind, finding a kick-ass full time job would equal to me feeling accomplished, successful, etc. etc.

But now, I wonder why so many people have to make sounding unemployed of this nature to be a drag, and consider being "successful" as the key to not screwing up. Where is that pathway to success that everyone is talking about? And does it really lead to success and happiness, or does it lead to more chasing of dreams that are someone else's? Are other people's dreams and ideas of success really visionary or are they equally as exploitative as other dreams or successful people today?

And the weirdest thing, I am having a really difficult time figuring out why I came to New York City. I know it was to build a career, but I had the idea of building a career on a very individualistic and selfish premise. To be honest, I did not really know who I wanted to help, but just knew that I wanted to help someone or some realistic cause that meant something to me, every single day. I wanted something that in the end would not equal to profit or simply an experience, but I wanted something that would have meaning to somebody. Something life-changing? Or, meh, something good in a day.

Recently I started an internship with the an aids health services office. I volunteer time doing outreach in the communities all around NYC. These are primarily in lower-income to middle class neighborhoods or the Bronx, Harlem, and Brooklyn. It is not a full time job, nor is it glamorous by any means. I do not interact with people every day, instead I go to their homes without them expecting me and I hope they are home. Then I hope they answer the door. Then I hope they understand me. And then I hope that they actually need the services. And finally, out of no control of mine whatsoever, I hope they accept the services. Because in my opinion, such services really helped a lot of people. My team and I are responsible for letting them know these services exist, and that they would be served by real people who care.

Honestly, this is hard work. It does not really build any skills professionally, but you certainly learn how to talk to people. I have to learn to be persuasive and outgoing, while come off as someone they can trust. And I have to be able to withstand 3-4 hours of straight walking and riding on the subway. It is not as easy as an office job, and to be honest it is not even more engaging than an office job. But when I got a woman to open the door today and just listen to my message, I felt so relieved. I really hope she does call the number we left her.

The pros to this professionally, I am exposed to public health. All throughout school, people said that public health was in no way a glamorous profession. And I completely understand that now. But I am finding it challenging and a learning experience every day that I engage with it. On the side of this outreach internship, I am continuing my internship with a nurses union. It is also public health, but it is public health policy and advocacy, also grassroots and ont he ground. However, I hope to learn more about the policy side of healthcare through this internship, and I am learning little by little.

Tomorrow, I have an interview with occupational health services. It is a very entry-level job, but at least I will be exposed to new things in public health. My goal is to be exposed to different kinds of public health to see which one fits me the best. And suddenly, I have three different areas within this sector to focus on. And it is really really cool. Then I realize, I am actually doing EXACTLY what I set out in New York to do! It is suprising in how  these opportunities presented themselves, and it is slow in building, but I think I am on the right track. Or at least on some kind of track!

And on the side of course, community organizing with other passionate filipino youth. This is the only thing that is keeping my sanity in such a confusing yet defining time. Without this amazing crew, I would probably have moved back to California by now. But nope, they are dope, so I will stay.

Today, one of the people who did outreach with me, he told me that I need to come to New York with a plan and that I need to stick to it. He said that many people come to NYC to build up their careers and then they leave once they accomplished whatever they came here for. But even then, not many people actually help give back to the real New York. They just come to reap benefits from the city, without caring for the people affected by their business and presence. And so, I hold my presence here in New York not only with gratitude, but also with a sense of social responsibility. So even though some days I have no idea what the heck I am doing, I at least know that everyday I am doing something positive. :)

Things are lookin' up in NYC!

I called my mother last week, in tears because I felt as if transitioning into living in New York, and transitioning out of my life back in California, too many things were familiar yet new at the same time. That scared me because, it is like you are having a bad dream when you wake up in your bedroom but everything has been rotated facing the opposite side of the room. Something is similar and safe of course, but there is still mystery and a huge unknown as to how your mind even created a new space.

Besides that, my mother told me to just think of happy thoughts. She told me that now is the time to really learn how to be alone, and more importantly, how to be alone and how to be happy. I appreciate my mother because she is so patient and kind. She teaches me the hard lessons but she says it in a way that everyone goes through it and I am perfectly fine on my own. She encouraged me to do the things I loved, or have always wanted to do.

The next day I decided to explore the city. I opened up my old list of recommended places to see from my friends. First place was Strand's bookstore. I made it there just fine, and it was really cool to see the old buildings of Union Square. I also found a nice organic coffee place for a cheaper price. The next day, in anticipation of another adventure, I did some job applications first, and then as a reward I went to explore. I got two sweaters from Forever 21 that were on sale (because that always makes spending money feel better). I think I got a bit tired of layering my clothes from Cali, and sweaters really do make a difference! Then the next day, today, I went looking for the Lady M. Boutique something...whatever the reason, I got incredibly lost and ended up 10 streets away from my destination. This has happened at least half the time I go on an adventure in NYC.

So the next best thing is to walk around and find something else. I found an even cheaper bookstore than Strand's, and I decided to get a book that I enjoyed reading on the subway later. Then I purposefully found the steps that Holly Golightly climbed in her depression. The New York Library on 5th Avenue. I absolutely love this place, and I walked in to take touristy pictures. I stumbled upon a public talk for Mary Ann Caw's The Modern Art Cookbook. Everyone sitting in the room looked a bit chubby, or, I dont know I am chubby too in some parts haha. But I could tell, "Cookbook" attracted us shy foodies. And the word "Modern" attracted, well, I would assume people who admire modern art but could never label themselves as Modern. I mean, that is how I feel anyway.

When we sat down and waited as Mary Ann Caws and her guest speakers continued on with their conversation. All they were missing was coffee and a huge glass window in between themselves and the audience. That is just how engaging she is I suppose. The hostess who would moderate the talk started the event - no wait, she ficed her microphone for 5 minutes and then started the event. But it was never really a rushed start to begin with. The powerpoint showed paintings, all featuring foods: fruit, bread, asparagus, eggplant! And everyone on the panel was fascinated by the paintings. The man to the left described the history of the industrialization of food when Campbell's Noodle Soup collection by Woody Allen popped up from the 1963 memory. All of a sudden we talked about America's higher sugar intake, and "how amazing is it that I wish I could go back in time 100 years, just to try the food. It would have signifcantly less sugar but it would be delicious!". What  a great thought, man sitting to the left. I admire his fascination with the timeline of popular food culture.

The man to the right of Mary Ann was even more interesting. His checkered blazer and skunk like hair-color screamed artsy, no, it suggested artistic expertise. And he spoke with fascination towards the artistic. Not the time of it nor the style, but the emotion that a viewer feels from viewing a work of art. He was poetic. One amazing aspect of Mary Ann's cookbook was that she included famous artwork featuring food, Manet to Picasso, and paired them with poetry to Hemingway. They discussed oysters: the rawness of oysters, the luxuriousness of oysters, the smooth finish of oysters, the perfect large size 1 of oysters from the Oyster Bar in France, Hemingway's love of oysters and white wine . . . and it would continue on until the next food: BREAD. BUTTER. PEARS. and then...

THE LEMON. The most perfect lemon.

If I were to here the conversation purely by radio ear, I would think it was a pretty ridiculous conversation. But I was so fascinated by this cookbook, which would come from famous renowned chefs from our history, accompanied by poetry and paintings and life! Wow they really sold it. I could see the picture of what owning the book would feel like. Perhaps I would transport through time and space in my very own kitchen. Or maybe all the emotions and flavors I would hope for in the kitchen would finally be released through the artistic colors and the poetry.

Well, the book costs $40. For me that is pretty steep for a book. But I will definitely look forward to experimenting cooking with it. I expect it should feel like travelling. But not travelling to the tourist attractions. It would be a travel back in time to places that can no longer be there ever again in my present time. How can a book possibly do that?

I guess I will have to find out sometime... but I asked the question of how exactly we are meant to experience Mary Ann's book, 3 years in the making. And she repeated her first sentence: "This was a book meant to be read in the kitchen." And as a perfect closing, the whole audience understood what she was talking about. I was glad to hear positive comments towards question. I left happy, knowing that I helped influence a really great evening conversation.

I bought a cheap baguette and softer bread, took the subway home, and cooked an eggplant omelette. It definitely didnt taste THAT great. I have to remember to get wine next time. All the artists and poets drink wine. I am sure it makes everything taste better.

Reflection on Calls to Action

On CAR, Syria, Palestine, Bangkok, and India . . . 

It is a powerful feeling to demand a call to action from your fellow humanity. It is an urgent crisis that begs you to make that call. It is your fellow humanity alone in high numbers who can multiply those calls to an infinite amount, as long as your are still living and causing the ripple. It is they who will end the crisis, even after your inevitable departure from the world of chaos and comfort. So speak out and organize your numbers, it makes a change every day.

Post-Grad Blues . . .

Yup. I am officially there. 

I thought that being away from Irvine and people I know would make it easier for my to work on my health and redefine my goals and values in life. But this is certainly much more difficult than I thought it would be. I knew this would be a journey and a challenge for me, but when it really happens and I can feel all the emotions associated with it, its a pretty awful repeat of that one scene in 500 Days of Summer when Tom tries to get his shit together. And well, I need to really start doing this.

I realized the only person holding me back is myself, and maybe that simple realization that it has been myself all along will help me get along with any place, and help me adapt to anywhere I dare choose to go. I admit that I know I can be awkward in crowds of three or more people. One person is fine as long as I am in the mood to engage in conversation.

All my other travel experiences in groups have been ok, but I could never get around to acting like myself or saying what I really wanted to say. Almost every other interaction with someone I was still getting to know became increasingly difficult. In Argentina, Honduras, the Middle East. As grateful as I am for having the privileges to travel to where I have been, I often wonder if I would be any different if I did it all over again .  . . would I be more adveturous? More honest? More open and upfront with people? Or would I flat out either make an excuse again that people are just not interesting to talk to, or that I am just awkward?

I don't know but, what I do know is that I need to be more comfortable in my own skin and with myself, and all the embarrassing words and actions that come along with it. I used to think that change was really hard for me to get used to. But I do not think its a change of location as much as it is the changes that happen inside of me.

But I really want to do it.

I want to adapt to New York and become the person I had hoped to be.

I want to be my complete self without inhibiting anything anymore.

I want to feel alive again.

Cheers, Tom.

Reflections on OTI and why it is so Hard to Reflect

**DISCLAIMER: Do not read this blog entry if you hate tangents and blog entries that are free-formed in writing.**

K Thanks...

ENTRY:

I originally started up this blog again 6 months ago to reflect on my trip to Israel and Palestine. I really should have reflected more right after the trip. But I realized, and I am not afraid to say this now, I still do not understand so much about the conflict. No, I am not an expert, nor do I ever hope or wish to be. And yes, me attending the trip to the region amongst a handful of aspiring experts felt like it was for completely selfish reasons. I had originally gone to see through different perspectives, enhance my world view, to discover a different part of the world, its politics, its friends, its enemies, and try to understand why it is such a difficult thing to figure out.

As if I was that middle school kid again who jumped in between 2 older guys fighting in the lunch courtyard while everyone else watched. Many called me crazy for going in, I could have gotten hurt myself. Others said what I did was the right thing to do. Others again felt that I should have just waited for the adults to deal with it.

Is it safe for me to say that I did it completely out of impulse? I didn't even think about it. I just wanted it to stop.

And thus, that weird, uncomfortable, force of habit has now evolved over time and throughout college. It is what pushed me to join the trip. No, it was not the Filipino activist I had told myself over and over about. And no, it was not really to enhance my world view. It was simply because I couldn't help to see people fighting and I wanted it to stop. I wanted it to stop on campus, I wanted it to stop in communities, I wanted it to stop for future kids like me.

NO. This is not pacifist, or whatever political thinkers want to label it. This is not a call for peace either. Peace is an agreement between parties to make ammends. But what I wanted, I wanted to see the truth. I wanted to see the truth as to why things haven't stopped. And I have concluded, we just live in a very toxic world. Sometimes the pursuit of justice is dirty, and its hurtful, and it causes regret in a life that was already so privileged to begin with. And justice does not take sides.

I now completely agree with my own theory that nothing in this world can truly be figured out. Somehow, someone will always lose.

Is it fair to say something so subjective about this trip that I had this privilege to attend? No, no I do not think it is fair at all, it is quite insulting, however, it is the truth and truth has never been fair. Especially to those who hide it or wash it in hopes that it becomes clearer and clearer when really all it does...is make the truth transparent, to the point that is disappears. And one realizes it can no longer be there.

I never believed in facts for this reason. I believe facts can be manipuated by people and politics just as much as stories and myth. So I do not want to ever tell myself that there are limits to what I can do, that a person can only do so much, that the world cannot be fixed by one person.

At night I dream I redefine my world. I alter it, in ways that are manageable until it gets bigger and bigger. This is a choice because I value my life too much and do not want it to be completely consumed. So in my lens, the lens that I wish was bigger after arriving back from the trip, the lens that I had wished would be more open and rational and practical, well my lens saw the following:

1. The people who work in the United Nations are brave, self-fulfilling, working in the confines of a strict political society. They have years of experience and understand people. They have eyes that look tired, held by faces that contort into expressions of hope and promise. They all believe in different things, but do not feel they have enough freedom within their workplace to express such views. They hope at the end of the day they can go home and relax and think about their own everyday problems. They wish they had higher positions. They work hard to earn those higher positions. The reason they do this is because they entered with the hope that they would change the world in their own way. They have learned that the only ones who actually make the big decisions are at the top of the tier. And in order to get to the top of the tier, you have to play the game. The game is difficult. But playing it will get you a higher paying job. So why not.

The people who serve the people of the United Nations, they are different. You look at them, and you do not see the regret that they wish they could do more. You see them as people who hope that they could do more good one day, but in the meantime, until they have the chance to make those big decisions, they will do their jobs well. They will go home and be greatful. They arrive in the morning again and are able to chat with friends over lunch or choose a healthier diet option. They are just grateful to be there, employed. This is the type of person I would strive to be if I ever worked for the UN. Sure, it might be slower to rise in position, and sure it might not create the most change in policy or design, but it is an example of the people who practice self care first. Those are the people who can make meaningul decisions that actually make an impact.

If you have no idea what I am talking about. It's ok, because this is through my own lens. I don't even know what I am talking about. But its best to let it out.

2. The food in Israel and Palestine is delicious. Especially the home-made ones because you know it took hours to make. The times I smiled the most during the entire trip is when I see a meal that was prepared by a mother. This always happened more in a Palestinian home. It is pure love, which means it was sure as hell difficult but you made it anyway because it was not for you. And you knew it was risky but you just hope its good.

3. Anyone during the trip who told us they had lost a loved one, they are ok. But it came with a price. They did their time of suffering that when they tell you their story and you cry, they are immune to reacting to you. Because they tell you the story in hopes that you get it. They expose themselves to help you understand the world. They do not want anyone else to go through that kind of pain. Not even their enemies. They may wish it, but if they really think about it, they wish they would stop thinking about it and just move on. But that would not give their lost love justice.

4. The ocean. Anytime you see it, it is beautiful. And it truly is a pool of tears for what it has seen happen on land. That is why the ocean is so big. It has seen a lot.

5. The cats are hungry too. You don't need to take pictures of them. As you would not take pictures of starving people. It's not cute and neither are the starving cats.

6. Yeah. There is fear. It is in everyone. And people fear each other.

7. There are Israelis who do not give a single second of a thought about Palestinians. There are Palestinians who do not give a single of a second of a thought about Israelis. There are Palestinians and Israelis who do not give fractions of single seconds of thoughts about Ethiopians, the Bedouin, Filipinos, or Americans. And this can be argument enough to explain why there is still conflict in this region, but I guess that is too easy and simple of an answer to those who do give seconds of thought about others besides their own.

8. People never want a simple answer. Or at least, they want an answer that scientifically makes sense to them. People look for follow up questions. But really it doesn't mean anything. We all were never that great of listeners to begin with. So we will pick up bits and pieces and hope we can figure out the rest later, over a series of events, experience, reading articles or the news. You know, we will read about it more later.

9. How old are these olives? Probably centuries old.

10. The Israeli photographer in his small shop carried down from his father, placed in the Old City. He thinks about the past. And he holds on to it because the memory of his father was happiness enough.

11. Civilians look at guns and feel safe. Tourists look at guns and feel afraid. Soldiers look at guns and think "it is pretty awesome that I get to hold this gun".

12. None of the Muslim girls that I exchanged emails with ever emailed me. I never got their emails. Dang it, we totally could have been friends. But its ok because for that brief moment we exchanged stories about dancing hip hop and that was pretty awesome.

Well, these 12 things should be simple and complex enough for one night. I will reflect more appropriately later. It's just, hard to reflect on, you know?

Ok I hit rock bottom

I do not know why, but I have been inhibiting myself from experiencing all that I want to experience in New York. Maybe its the freezing cold temperatures that keep me away? Maybe it's the fear of the unknown.

Whatever it is, I realize that I am officially in that post-grad funk.

For some people it is fantastic, maybe? For others it is depressing? Well I guess I am going through a mixture of both. But then I try to remind myself that I have never had a chance to really be myself in a while. Especially at a big university where everyone on campus is so involved. But now I really want to put it into practice without trying to impress anyone or fit in anywhere.

Its true, college in many ways was like a bigger version of high school. And I never even sought out for an experience like that, it just fell into my lap. Until now only have I begun to realize that there are so many other categories to prioritize than school involvements. Because for me that was all there was for a time there. That was what kept me going or helped me through at the end of the day. Now I have absolutely no idea exactly what to get involved in. Sure I had a bunch of ideas and hopes and aspirations, but maybe some of that was just noise amidst a hyperactive over-stimulating college climate?

Well, I am no longer in college anymore, and I am starting to see more and more of what the real world is like everyday. I want to be humble and I do not want to pretend I am even super independent, a go-getter. Honestly, I have to learn how to that again in a big city, let alone, getting out of my apartment again and being comfortable just being alone. I find myself constantly reminding myself that this was a choice that I made, moving out to NYC with very little friends. And I have to remind myself that I do not know any strangers in that coffee shop, so why am I even worried that people in the coffee shop would judge me for being alone? I have to stop imagining the word "tourist" or "California girl" is stamped in big black letters on my forehead, or pinned to me back for all to see.

After processing it all, I realize that I am good at it though. Being alone and exploring by myself. I used to find a lot of joy and comfort in it. So I am waiting for it to click, for that adventurous spirit to come back. I lost it somewhere between the dream of coming to New York and my present reality. So . . . yeah I guess I will just see, maybe tomorrow will be different.

Post World War 2 apartment lobby

Moving out of dad's old Apartment and into a new one!!

My Big Move to New York

I recently moved to New York to live with my dad.  It is much cheaper to live in the Bronx size the rent is cheaper. At first I felt terrified seeing where we live now. But that's because it was night time. During the day it is quite nice. The children go to school and parents go to work. A working class town. I know it will take some getting used to but I'm glad to be here.

UCI Activities: Fall Quarter Week 6 Update on

This week has been full of spaces and perspectives that I find difficulty making sense of as a whole . . . the hope gained from the interfaith event planning on Tuesday, the communication workshops for freshmen planning on Wednesday, the reminder of the justice movement for human rights in Chile, the New Narratives and its highlights on the reality of where our campus is today. . . I want to work in all of these communities, but most of all I want to connect them together. This is all progress happening in different circles, but I feel these circles do not cross, the good people who work within them do not bridge across. Although Progress in each will have short term success stories, I am concerned that the long term goal of interconnectedness may drift further away. If I am missing anything or am clueless to the bigger picture, please feel free to give me a different perspective. Anyway, I will continue the work in all of these circles so long as others do. I hope we are open enough to work together in the weeks to come. I have a sense of urgency for it. I want to know that others do too.

The latest event on my mind is obviously the New Narratives event. I was actually looking forward to this event. Contrary to belief for some super optimist students at UC Irvine, there are still many students on campus who have no idea about the issues affecting students of color today. I am in no way suprised at this, nor will I ever be surprised because it has always been this way. This level of ignorance. There is no excuse for it. But what I want to do now is work towards educating others as much as possible. Anything that may help. I do not expect everyone to read a book on ethnic studies, I do not expect everyone to understand the immigrant experience, or the undocumented workers and the rights they still do not have. But what I do expect on my end is to continue to hold accountability for others when possible. And to continue to have conversations in understanding other perspectives. As much as my heart longs for advocating my own opinion whole heartedly, I cannot leave everyone else in an unknown. I cannot keep to those who agree with me or support me all the time. Otherwise, I would have no idea how others feel, what fears and worries and life experiences that they have, and how those experiences somehow keep them away from seeing that there are people suffering in this oppressive institution. But one thing I can never ever expect or ask for, is for other people to care. I cannot demand it. I can only hope for it. But what I can demand today and in the future is more transparency between students who disagree, people who share different world views. I can demand that we also learn better ways to communicate with one another. I think this is a very simple tool that can be taught. And it is NECESSARY if we ever want justice on a human level.

PAUSE for Reflection: "Peace" - The Warm, Fuzzy Type

Friends, it seems that I am now wanting to write this blog in tandem with what is currently going on in my life. Sorry I just could not resist, you could skip to the juicier stuff once I write it...

I am currently looking up ways to write a good cover letter, looking for jobs to apply for, if I qualify, things like that . . .Sometimes I tell myself "Common Lauren! Give yourself a boost of confidence! You used to work faster than your own thoughts could even keep up with you!"

I am sorry Me, sometimes I find myself just staring at a computer screen wondering where I should even begin. Deep breaths, the anxiety and frusteration eventually quiet down to some intimate and familiar feeling within myself.... ahhhhh yes, I remember, I used to resort to feeling peaceful.

What makes me feel more peaceful? The first thing that comes to mind is my work with Interfaith.

People from different backgrounds coming together in positive light and warm feelings of accepting one another. That's interfaith. No... understanding and respecting one another...that is true interfatih but in the meantime, the warm fuzzy feeling is implied. One I can revisit in moments of this type of reflection.

Last night, some members of the Olive Tree Initiative and myself attended an Interfaith Harmony community event at a center for a specific faith , the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormonism?), but was accompanied by the good people of the interfaith community (every other religion close by). First step in diversity is filling the room with all sorts of different people. CHECK! Next step: the talking.

Now last night, we had to speak to this room full of different people of different faiths, speaking about religion, response to our current events, and in memory of 9/11 as the U.S. remembers it to be. (I am also happy to report that the speaker from the Islamic Center recognized another 9/11 event (Chile 1973, read it if you wanna know)

 I learned a lot. The event was really quite nice I enjoyed it! They opened with a Taiko drum performance (it felt so powerful, I associated it with warfare, like war drums, but I am sure it is much more than that I am just being a little ignorant). After we all relaxed in confidence ("No. The building won't collapse because of these loud drums . . . let's just feel the rhythm of the beat within our hearts.")  I do not want to go into the specific details of the program, but here is what I learned:

Speaker from the Hindu Mission said:
" . . . the truth is undefinable. You cannot define it. . . . When you have water in the ocean, it gets picked up, and when it goes down, it picks up acid, like us. We pick up other things, but meditation gets us back to who we are. You see the divinity of the whole community, and this process cannot fail."

When he mentioned truth, I remember that a lot of our lessons in the Olive Tree Initiative reflections during the trip. We grappled with the need to understand the truth. What was the truth? And which of the two sides, the Israeli or the Palestinian, possessed the true-truth? I think the ultimate lesson was that there is no True-Truth. Some would even say that the truth does not exist. But hearing this man say that it has no definition, I think I can agree with that even more. Some people define truth as the facts. Some people define truth as their own personal experiences. So how do I define truth?

I cannot. I am still exploring, or I have not figured it out.

Rabbi from the HOAG Memorial Hopsital Presbyterian said:

"make those strangers into our friends."

I am just comforted with this. It makes sense in principle. It is something I try to actively do. Or when this fails, giving the benefit of the doubt, knowing that another person too has hopes and beliefs, that is comforting enough, even if I was afraid of them or intimidated at first. And when this does happen, I try my best to at least get to know them a little bit more. (Then I can judge whether I like them or not)

AND WHEN THAT FAILS:
"I do not have to be friends with everybody. Civil, yes, civil can definitely work. That's co-existence..right?"

Day 2: Washington D.C. (late due to a busy week!)

Sorry for the delay in this post everyone, I realized I had a lot more to reflect on, and a lot more questions. But anyway, here is the start of Day 2 "in this town" of Dear D.C --> that short quote is from EVERYONE in DC:
 
We awoke early for breakfast the next morning. Yes. Breakfast. And more importantly, breakfast that was (included). So in my mind that was practically FREE BREAKFAST. Which means a significantly quicker shower time. Which helps out the environment. I think every hotel should follow this model.

After I talked with the roommates about outfits and what looked professional enough, I went to the lobby for a nice breakfast of orange juice, fruit, eggs and bacon. And pancakes? I don't know maybe I am making that up, but the breakfast was really good. This was officially the first day where we would rush out to the first speaker right after breakfast. Our team captains for the day had some big tasks on their hands and they did an amazing job keeping us all together as much as possible.

Our first meeting was with the United States Institute for Peace. I do not have any pictures to describe to you what it looked like, but I can certainly describe the experience. For the first time, our members pinned on their customized nametags. For the first time, we readied our bags for a thorough security check. For the first time, we discussed what back-up questions we would ask in case nobody in the group could think of a good question fast enough, along with the second and third back-up questions. And for the first time, we readied our notebooks, as I will describe the notes I am about to forward to you now.

Entering USIP was like entering a world of well-organized peace-planning. Sanitized international affairs. A bright marbled floors that echoes the sound of your feet stepping into an important meeting. I thought it was one of the most beautiful interiors I had ever seen. The sun was shining in all the right spots of the building. You feel so important to be there. And you assume you are working with angels of Capitol Hill. That is indeed a lot to be said but, that's what it felt like to step into the building for the first time, for me at least. And we got extra nametags from them that I saved in my notebook! How much more official could it get??

We had two speakers, a man and a woman. I will not disclose any names for now. The woman used to work for the US Academy Training Arm with USIP in 1984. The man was formally a college professor who took students on educational trips to Bosnia, Kosovo, N. Ireland, places like that - including Israel with an Arab-Israeli team. These trips were meant to be educational and promote dialogue overseas in countries experiencing conflict. They spoke to us first, and later we followed with our own questions after their brief introductions.

We asked how we should be viewing the Arab-Israeli conflict. Their advice was to view it as unique, and yet, as not unique. We were also encouraged to know that there were peace-makers out there, just not on our radar. Having independent and nonpartisan conversations would help avoid conflicts internationally.

USIP used to be viewed as a think tank. The vision was to create a world without violence or conflict. The core principles was to engage in civil society, facilitate a dialogue between government and civil societies. The advice was to respect pluralism, diversity, and conflict resolution. They spoke about the process of doing something to be effective. It needs to be done over time, through buildings relationships in a holistic way. One example of this is a civil education project that was done in Iraq. This project took over 4 years. It was based on a curriculum that Iraqis themselves adopted as their own. The people from USIP helped train Iraqis to teach such curriculum themselves.

Further questions were asked . . .
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do we make these into projects?
It needs to be tailored to local circumstances - it must be inclusive and engage a full range of people to achieve peace, including those who may not have a voice. There needs to be backup modules with monitoring, research, etc. There must also be a commitment to quality.

The woman told us about her path that led her to work for an organization like USIP. She was a US mediator on the federal and community level. She then tranferred into doing work on the international level with her graduate degree in conflict resolution. She spoke about using real dialogue in her work.
What does real dialogue mean?
It is a dialogue of peace, based on a process of peace. Yet it is something more robust and relevant.
An example of a design was to engage students over 7 weeks on social identity and percieved weaknesses. She then sought to introduce dialogue into a classroom to talk about the sensitive issues that would come up. She found ways to make it safe for people to engage in dialogue: Building bridges through intergroup dialogue.

USIP draws from an illicitive model, drawing forth from people. No presentations or lectures but more from and interactive style. They would replicate types of scenarios that people would encounter when working overseas. At a school for professionals that included diplomats, military, NGOs. They used the model that was meant for the professionals to fail in the scenario. So that they could recognize what they have seen before and pay attention and be aware on purpose.

Issues of culture and identity . . .

Rebuilding a country after war . . .
 _________________________________________________

As you can see there is a lot of information I took from this meeting. I had even more meetings to follow this one, but I must say, this was one of my favorite meetings. Here is why:

Popular opinion in our group found this meeting to be pacifist in nature, and realists would call it an unrealistic approach. I had my suspicions before, as I do for many of the meetings on our trip, however this one is very interesting especially in my upbringing at the UCI Public Health school. Most of the topics and projects that were presented were quite in line with public health practice on a global scale: analyzing the needs, involving the community, encouraging leadership roles on the ground level, creating a sustainable system, and most of all creating an organic atmosphere. (Of course, this does not include their model for professionals seeking more training in international humanitarianism).

Earlier today I had a meeting with a public health administrator. She informed me that most U.S. organizations going abroad to do public health work are greeted with negativity and suspicion as to the real purpose of that organization and their motives. It is funny because, I have always thought about working with an organization like this. However, I wonder if I am willing to accept the limitations that come with working for the United States government in regards to funding, and which issues are focused on the most. A big takeaway from this meeting was that the issues focused on the most tend to be what the US government and international media draw their attention towards the most. If I remember correctly, there even seemed to be an aura  that conflicts in the Middle East were overworked. That more attention needed to be on the Democratic Republic of Congo. That more people were being affected there. And here is the weird part . . .

In public health, there is a question of a need, and a question of "measurable learning outcomes that are more likely to achieve effective results" Because this obviously is better for the organization. In popular public health opinion, the more contained a disaster or a conflict can be, the less numbers involved, creates a higher percentage of people helped. Sometimes I wonder, are peace people like me trying to save as many people as We can, or just trying to save as many people as possible under a budget, limited resources due to political backing, and international law of not engaging with terrorists? The rules themselves can make helping people more difficult. People who had no blame or fault to a conflict or disaster. Yet seem to suffer the most from it.

Soon, we were going to meet with the other side . . .

Day 1 - Washington D.C.

Our first stop on the OTI Itinerary was Washington D.C. The flight was pleasant, and once we checked into the hotel I felt much more comfortable with my prepared attire for the day. Shopping at Ross for the D.C. formal wear was definitely a great idea, thank for the help Mom! Wardrobe on this trip in a very "dress to impress" attitude was an extra concern on top of mentally preparing ourselves to ask critical questions for our speakers. The first thing we did as a group was walk through the streets in search for real food. We went to this over-priced cafe for big salad bowls and hard, healthy bread to go. It was just down the street from the hotel. We initially planned to go to the mall, but decided to walk around and see some national monuments instead. IT WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO. The group indecisiveness was bearable for now. Everyone was still very excited to go to the region. We were still in our state of anticipation to step on Middle East territory.

Our first stop on Day 1 was in front of the White House. We did the tourist thing and took group photos, while the Kurdistan community and supporters protested in front of us. Their main message on the banner read "Al Qaeda is murdering Kurds of Syria." followed by other fliers that read "Free Kurdistan". This brings up other issues in another part of the region, I cannot really comment on any of this yet without extending my research. I just read this article so far among a few others, not yet trying to draw any connections to the crisis in Syria in my mind.

On the opposite side of the street, an elderly woman was sitting in a tent of some sort with all sorts of posters about US-Israel relations. Honestly, I really had no idea what that was about. I have video footage of the protest but I will not post it just yet, since I was just observing its for my personal records.

After seeing the White House, we saw the World War II Memorial and the Lincoln Memorial, among others. We saw a diverse group of tourists, from India, China, and other US visitors. I did not really care much for visiting these monuments though, sorry, so I don't have much to say about them except that I took some nice pictures to prove I went there:

BAM. SO MUCH PROOF.

The weather was hot and sticky.

But that's ok because I think I looked pretty cute regardless.

Our first speaker was Parham. Yay Parham! I have heard him speak on many occassions, but it was even cooler to have him speak to us in front of the MLK Memorial. But before he could begin, we had to wait for our fearless leader Daniel to arrive.
ENTER: Daniel
At last we begin . . .

August 13, 2013

The memorial was under construction because they were currently fixing the quote. Yeah. It was definitely a problem, something about a mountain, agh... I did not write it down, but it was definitely wrong so they were fixing it. It needed to hold on to its symbolic meaning. DON'T MESS WITH SYMBOLIC MEANING.
The greatest lesson I took away from Parham is that its the Principle of it. We held on to this throughout the trip. This was one of the few national monuments dedicated to the civil rights icon himself, Martin Luther King Jr. Later on the only mention I would hear about MLK was everywhere! On the news, internationally, including China. He started in 1929 as the son of a Baptist preacher, which is important because it adds so much more to his element of public speaking.

About the "drum major" reference: That quote needed fixing too...
 "If you want to say that I was a drum major, say that I was a drum major for justice. Say that I was a drum major for peace. I was a drum major for righteousness. And all of the other shallow things will not matter."
From this article.
 The drum major is the symbol for all those first in charge or are important as being in front of the line. Parham makes a point that it is natural for many of us to want to be in front of the line for something, to be the leader of something. But it is only ok to do this if you are first in moral excellence. I take this as, if I want to lead people towards a beer and cheese run, I probably should not since I am slightly lactose intolerant. Nah, jk. This means you need to be leading people down good morals yourself first, again, its the principle of the thing.


From 1963-2013 (it was the 50th anniversary), so the statue needed to be fixed. Because on August 22-23, it would be the official 50th anniversary on the march on Washington. People responsible for the push was headed by Alpha Phi Alpha fraternity, who raised the money of hundreds of millions of dollars to pay for the memorial. The March on Washington in 1963 fought for the context of the civil rights movement, during a time when there was still segregation in the United States. Sit ins and marches were organized to appeal to the U.S. government. There was a question regarding youth today. Does our youth, our students from the Universities have what it takes to start a movement? And the answer was no. Because today many of us are students of privilege. Our parents were the ones who struggled for us to have more opportunities. We may use our opportunities to search for struggles to fight for now, but this is not enough to start a movement. We have the technology to do so, but not the tact. I will continue with this.


Speech: A Time to Break the Silence, Riverside Church, New York


Parham said that there was a big controversy over King's words being quoted by numerous sides and different points of views. These include words for Peace. The problem was that when you freeze King in time, you only look at a snapshot. There is always more outside of the frame. Existence has a face on every side and every face teaches a lesson, those whi truly understand existence, do not separate the faces from the lessons. When you look at a face what does it teach you? Do not focus on the personality, focus on the core principles that he dedicated his life to. And here they are:
Victor Hugo- theres nothing more powerful than an idea whose time had come.
MLK's time had come. The idea of equality and justice finally had come alive.

Civilization vs. Culture
The way we live vs. what we live for.
ARGUMENT: the means by which we live have paced the ins for which we live.
Peace, Harmony, Forgiveness, Understanding. There is a constant CLASH.
1) He was influenced by Ghandi (as a student of nonviolent resistance)
2) Even though he was a civil rights icon, he was a Christian minister, and he came out of morals under God. How does his way parallel from other nonviolent resistances in the world? 

It was the human determination of Black people - not just as a strategy but it is a commitment to the tactic of principle. PRINCIPLE. Do our youth today lack this? Is this why youth cannot start a movement like that of the 1960's? 

King was accussed of threatening the U.S. government through this speech. In 1965, the time of the Vietnam war met with student protests. Somewhat to the Watts riot in Los Angeles. The conditions of jobs decreased, discrimination increased, and unemployment increased, and access of schools decreased. This was the first time that MLK spoke out against the war in Vietnam, against the military industrial complex which is fed every single day. He portrayed America as the nation that was approaching a spiritual death ('67). 

In '68 at the Lorraine hotel, Memphis TN- led a strike to sanitation workers- You cannot help the people if you do not love the people, you cannot love the people if you do not serve the people:
New definition of GREATNESS:
Not by title
Not by position
Not by ownership
It is defined by serving the people. The idea of "servant leadership" is that everyone can be great because everyone can be a leader.
Oh, now I found it in my notes . . .
"carving a stone of hope out of a mountain of despair", there is spiritual energy in this, and it missed the symbolism. 

Integration VS Nationalists
The clash between working within the system, to - No. The system is oppressive.
Psychic tension within the community have to be there at the same time, otherwise America had too many options. You can ignore it unless it has a call to action. There haven't been good coalitions - reasons that issues rarely change are that people who scream about them are only the victims problems. Motivation of the masses went out in the 60's.

This is basically what I received the most from the lecture. I will add in how I connect all of this together soon. Later on that day, we had an Alumni dinner with other students who attended the Olive Tree Initiative trip to the Middle east. I will leave the names out, but it is definitely reassuring that these students were about to make something of their situation. To really take control and go somewhere, in which the three ended up in D.C. so far. I felt comforted to know that it worked out for them. I am still trying to figure out what will work for me. Should I consider D.C.? I think it is unlikely as the town seems to run in its own rules, its own language, and I do not think it would all sit well in my stomach. But I look forward to making something of myself too, if I have not yet done so.

Olive Tree Initiative: Middle East - Introduction

I have just returned from my trip with UCI's Olive Tree Initiative to the Middle East, specifically Israel, Palestine, and Jordan. I have decided to start my blog now that I have returned as a way to process everything that happened for each day. The upcoming posts for the next month will highlight a specific day on the trip, including the speakers, what they said, whether or not I believed them, and ultimately what I learned. Consider this as my contribution and a thank you for the UCI supporters and critics. This is also a thank you to those who paid for half of the trip. So that you see your investment making a positive impact. Long term goal: for you to fund students like me to attend a trip next summer. Full rides perhaps? Just kidding. I want to clarify that this trip was in part funded from the collective fundraising of all the members in our organization. Without the help from many of our supporters and from previous trip participants with OTI, this experience would not have been possible. I want to express my appreciation and gratitude for this learning opportunity.

I also want to make a disclaimer, that these blogs are only of my own thoughts and opinions, and the opinions expressed are not necessarily represented to those of the University faculty, staff, administration, students, supporters, etc. Also, I do not wish to criticize or or critique the organization Olive Tree Initiative. I am completely supportive of their concept of educational experiential learning. Sure, there are always improvements to make, and there has been a lot of criticism from the public and my own friends, but right now I am speaking from the mindset as a participant and supporter of the organization. Because I can. But I am in no way closed off criticism or suggestions from others. All I ask is that it be an engaging dialogue, constructive in a very minimal way, and always an open-ended conversation. Heck, I am still learning as I hope you are too.

With all that said, anyone who wishes to find out more about the organization themselves, be my guest:
http://www.olivetreeinitiative.org/

I am sure you can find many other articles on the organization yourself, and there definitely are many so... thats all I have to say about that.

Now its my turn. :)

Dream in the Making?

The chances of my moving to New York have just been increased! It's an amazing feeling, but I wonder if it is the right time? In all this wondering and future predicting, I downloaded some software that lets me draft up layouts of rooms. I almost figured out how to create what almost looks like a couch on it. Is my interior design dream slowly developing some kinda seed? I hope so! Otherwise, it might have never been a dream to begin with. Which would be incredibly sad.

Good Internet means More Stories: LA BOCA

So sorry it has taken me forever to blog!

My trip in Argentina so far has been full of ups and downs, with new experiences every single day, big and small. Like what I would think life should be like back home but for some reason is not percepted to be so.
For the sake of my Spanish blogs too, I will try to list out all the places so far that I have been to in Argentina as well as some key experiences here that I hope to never forget:

La Boca

Meeting my classmates at Plaza Italia was a challenge. We all want to save money on phones since you have to keep recharging your minutes here at a kiosko which was always annoying since we had large bills all the time, but really.....communicating with not super high speed Internet and limited phones was a challenge. We ended up waiting for a classmate for an hour and even miscommunication along the way. But while we waited at Plaza Italia, I took a picture of a plaque that had been broken . . . we speculated it was from the activist / advocacy activity from the night before. Anyway, I especially liked the word "La Resistencia" chipped off of the rest of the plaque. Seemed very ironic to me as we stood in Plaza Italia . . . (and I would later find out that some Argentinians have different definitions of irony, sarcasm, and yes, even jinxs.)

Spanish, er, Castellano which is the specific language spoken in Argentina, is definitely not like English culturally.

TANGENT! Anyway, we took an hour long bus for the first time where I spoke with another fellow student on politics or Argentina (which we knew very little about), and politics at our own University. Basically, we get along very very well by analyzing why other people do not, and how we ourselves add that fire. Nothing stupid about that! It was an intellectual conversation on the autobus "collectivo", in some very well versed Spanglish with sporadic periods of "umms", "errs", and giggles.

LAST TANGENT! We saw the famous La Boca during a class trip. The weather was slightly gloomy and about to rain, but whatever, we do not care because it is an awesome trip! When we went I was really excited to see all of the colorful buildings, even though I would have preferred to see them when it was sunny as a nice contrast to the already freezing cold Argentinian weather (because I am from SoCal, and there is not such thing as freezing cold in SoCal so this is my definition point for it).

La Boca was a very tourist area as I had read in many tourist publications. Street performers were willing to perform in the cold for a speculating audience, but more so for some tips that they well deserved, as Tango is not a dance meant for 40 degree F weather. But me being a tourist and not caring, I took the following pictures and videos in my 2-Dimensional TravelChannel tv moment come to life! It was evident that La Boca had been historically a place of colonization, merchant labor, artistic creation, and tourist attraction. I wish I knew more about the history of all these places but I will have to edit that in later. All I knew was that we were impressed with the Google images coming to life in our 10 minute introduction to La Boca, which quickly ended as hunger hit for the 15h time and we sat down for pizza with olives. I do recall having an interesting conversation with the woman of the restaurant, talking about churros and fruits popular in Argentina different from Mexican culture, as well as cultural differences between the Recoleta culture compared to laid back culture of the North and South of Argentina. Hearing different perspectives definitely hit me for the first time in La Boca, which is always great for the weary traveler.

After that I went on the bus and I fell asleep, almost falling asleep on some old guy, and then we took a cab back home since we were still not use to the bus system and not inclined to get lost for the 10th thousandth time.

I tried going to a phone store to buy a phone, but of course, the miscommunication made it difficult to even understand that I had to wait for them to open the door and they were in fact, open for business, with closed doors for weather. Interesante . . . and in my sadness I wandered to discover an adorable cafe called Tea Connection for the first time. And in my fascination and boredom, I took the following pictures and videos.
2 Items ordered worth remembering: Apple Tart with Costa Rican cinnamon Ice cream, and peach rose tea. Take that CHA.

After waiting forever like a stupid American to pay the bill, I walked around Callao Street to find an activist march! Finally! There were a lot of marches going on at this time, where spectators bang pots and pans and trucks drive by and honk like crazy in solidarity. The real passerbyers take their empty water bottles, add a few centavos, and shake away to add to the noise of the night. It literally looked like a block party, I felt like I had reached the promise land, OH . . . HAPPINESS. See the following videos for proof:

Once I got home, I reported my encounter with the other side in fascination to my family, in which their unimpressed and somewhat distateful expressions indicated this isnt a favorite dinner subject, as my host brother joked that these were the "rich activists". Oh the disappointment. I would later explore what he meant in more detail later on in the week.

As for the Spanish, the entire first week was difficult since I barely spoke anything, and the family isn't very patient with trying to understand AND speak English all the time. I understand, my head hurts from speaking and translating Spanish!

First Impressions

Buenos Dias!

I have been in Buenos Aires for about 4 days total now, and it has been the most bittersweet experience.

First of all, being in a new city like Buenos Aires is an adventure and a pain all its own. I have been lost many times in the city, and it really sucks when trying to get to class. The bus system here is way better than Irvine, yet it takes a while getting used to and many parts look so similar. . . But! I do get a chance to see more when I am lost. And when I do get lost without any meaning to be at any place in any time, I feel more alive than I have ever felt in the past year. Its so urban, and classic at the same time. In Buenos Aires, the city is divided into multiple regions, in which I live in Recoleta. Recoleta is known as the Second Paris, or the French side of Buenos Aires. It is really fancy, and I live right next to a shoe store where I purchased my first leather boots with flojos! I hope to bring this style to the U.S. But Recoleta also has museums, parks, and theaters! I have yet to explore, and I cannot wait to experience the fancy-ness of this side of town.

My homestay is lovely. It seems to come out of a very Elle-decor kind of design, very white and bright inside with white soft furniture and summer florals. Last night was my host mom's birthday, and the whole family came to celebrate and greet her. It was such a pretty sight, almost from a movie because of how fancy everything looked.

Costs are high currently in Buenos Aires. Utility bills have tripled starting from two  months ago so energy conservation is necessary. In its regular form, this apartment is like the size of a house, and feels very homy, just like my old house before. I heard shouts and chants from the rallies and marches below, closer to Plaza de Maya with the long-awaited for truck drivers protest yesterday. The expected count was 150,000 people. It is interesting hearing both sides of the issue here, and Argentinian politics are probably one of the more confusing ones for me because of this, but it has more perspective.

When the night is quiet and I am in my room, painted green with a weird painting of two Argentinian prostitutes from some kind of bougie age, I miss everyone greatly. I think of the my work, and how we were so lucky to be working with the people that we do, especially since many Argentinians are actually more updated with Hollywood celebrities than any American I know! I miss my boyfriend of course, and here I love to talk about "mi novio". But I miss my family too, it is not the same without them this summer. I have felt frusteration and stress in many ways here, but I have also felt the most amount of growth within a short span of time, and self-discovery in that, wow . . . I really am a princess! I suck at being spontaneous and adventurous in places where it does not even need to be sought out for, but its right there in front of you! I hope to improve this soon.

My classmates are great and very supportive. I was talking with one of the girls in my group, and we talked about some of the things we have gone through in the past. She told me when I am scared, to challenge that pain I went through before into a fighting force for present fears! And she said that we are much stronger than we think, and we really do not need to seek out any form of medicine or healing, but it is more about what is inside ourselves, and this can be fostered by anything as long as we do what we love and have no regrets for the decisions we make.

And with that, I will go on with the day, hopefully more organized, but more positive too. We are going on a trip to La Boca today as a group, I am so excited! More updates on that! Until then, Ciao!