Post-Grad Blues . . .

Yup. I am officially there. 

I thought that being away from Irvine and people I know would make it easier for my to work on my health and redefine my goals and values in life. But this is certainly much more difficult than I thought it would be. I knew this would be a journey and a challenge for me, but when it really happens and I can feel all the emotions associated with it, its a pretty awful repeat of that one scene in 500 Days of Summer when Tom tries to get his shit together. And well, I need to really start doing this.

I realized the only person holding me back is myself, and maybe that simple realization that it has been myself all along will help me get along with any place, and help me adapt to anywhere I dare choose to go. I admit that I know I can be awkward in crowds of three or more people. One person is fine as long as I am in the mood to engage in conversation.

All my other travel experiences in groups have been ok, but I could never get around to acting like myself or saying what I really wanted to say. Almost every other interaction with someone I was still getting to know became increasingly difficult. In Argentina, Honduras, the Middle East. As grateful as I am for having the privileges to travel to where I have been, I often wonder if I would be any different if I did it all over again .  . . would I be more adveturous? More honest? More open and upfront with people? Or would I flat out either make an excuse again that people are just not interesting to talk to, or that I am just awkward?

I don't know but, what I do know is that I need to be more comfortable in my own skin and with myself, and all the embarrassing words and actions that come along with it. I used to think that change was really hard for me to get used to. But I do not think its a change of location as much as it is the changes that happen inside of me.

But I really want to do it.

I want to adapt to New York and become the person I had hoped to be.

I want to be my complete self without inhibiting anything anymore.

I want to feel alive again.

Cheers, Tom.