Yesterday, I found out the news that I have not been invited to a second interview for an organizer position that I really wanted to pursue in the anti-immigration detention policy world. I think I am taking the news better than I thought I would, even though I know deep down I am absolutely devastated. I still have to draft a "thank you" message for even being notified that I am no longer being considered for the position. And even that makes me feel pretty low. But to be honest, I have been limited in my ability to express gratitude to others in this transition to SoCal, and I have had difficulty in seeing the value in my work and in my analysis of the current issues in immigration detention today. Challenges keep coming up, and even these newer challenges are making me reflect on the older ones. Should I have better addressed older issues had I known they would likely grow into me feeling a certain way about the current challenges that I face?
I am learning more and more that so much of this work is political. I wish my merit can speak to the work I have done in the last 2-3 years that I was doing my anti-immigration detention work. Right now I am still trying to figure out where I fit in, where my organizing work fits in with everyone else. My skills feel limited in policy, and I am not particularly interested in it even though this is such an important time for immigration policy today. I don't even know if I really believe in policy, blocking all these changes that the government keeps throwing at people. It is exhausting. I believe in the power of community organizing so much more. And it hurts to see how elitist this world is. It is also really difficult to prove yourself in this work, people are very critical and horrible communicators. I think I have picked up a knack for feeling when people just - do not like me. I guess I talk a lot or talk too much. I guess I bring up a lot of feelings for people. And I guess I make them uncomfortable. It is something that I actually should be proud of, but it makes navigating these work dynamics all the more difficult.
A good friend of mine told me that what happened at my previous workplace was abuse, and that they were using me. While I agree with him, I wish I could feel that I ended up on higher ground, but it is true I myself and all of us staff members of color got the short end of the stick. From this experience, and even the experience of not getting the organizer position, I am learning that transactional organizing and workplace organizing really does not work. I want to be able to give to myself more, and replenish my spirit. I want to do things that help me gain experience and skills, and to do things that help me heal. I have a lot of healing that I need to do in this transition from NYC, from abusive and racist non-profit work spaces, and from abusive and hurtful and transactional political organizing spaces.
One of the main things that I even have an idea of pursuing is cooking. I started working on simple recipes, and I am working on making Filipino food. One of the benefits of being at home (while it is very difficult to stay in one place!) is that I have these opportunities to cook for Grandpa. I still have some money saved up that let me purchase ingredients for these meals. And Casey is helping to drive me to the market in the meantime, while I work on getting my drivers license. It has nothing to do with work or advancing a career in any way, but it is important for my healing - I realize . . .
I think part of me still feels guilty for moving to NYC when grandma was sick with cancer. I missed so much of her final days with us. I feel like I ran away from the responsibility as the eldest grand-daughter, and oldest daughter in our household. This feeling of regret and guilt, I always think I am processing it but I feel far away from being able to do that effectively. Hopefully cooking will help me feel better about it. I am cooking for grandpa, but I want it to be out of love and dedication to Grandma, not out of guilt or sadness. Maybe this is also my way of still mourning for her. Maybe this is my way of proving to myself that I did not fail her. I am not really sure.
I received this cookbook on New Filipino cooking as a gift. I already attempted the Diniding recipe, per Grandpa's request. Today I am going to be making Lumpia Sariwa for him, literally in like - 10 minutes! So I need to wrap up this blog soon. I have all the ingredients needed to make this a decent meal. I hope I cook it well and am able to reflect on what Grandma must have felt while she was cooking. I miss her so much, I wish she could tell me what to do. Grandma always valued education and hard work, I know she wants me to pursue my education as well. This is something I have been putting off for working. I hope I can find more balance in life and being in SoCal, and to be in a place where I can handle working and going to school again. I want to make that to be a personal commitment to Grandma and to myself.
What I can say is cooking does give me confidence in my ability to learn again. And taking these driving classes helps me too. I hope to get my license soon, then I can drive myself to classes in the future! I think right now, as I heal my spirit, building up my confidence even in the little things is key. And I also need to learn to better care for myself and prioritize myself before focusing on others or giving too much to other people. I spent an entire 2-3 years giving to others, and I learned that does not always bring the best for your situation, so it is important to care for yourself first. I want to be better at doing this, and also setting boundaries for myself. I learned that other people can really take a lot from you, whether they intend to or not. And I learned that some people are doing things to look out for themselves first, even if you do nice things for them they will still operate like that. All of those things are simply out of my control. But what is in my control is what I do for myself, to advance myself. What is difficult is this is not me being selfish by any means, I still want to be able to give back to my community and to help others. The difference is, I want to be able to do this for me as well and for my spirit. Instead of relying on other people's spirits to lift me up. I think there is an entire realm of my spiritual self that I have yet to tap into, and I want to connect to that part of myself more. I want to learn how to be my own protection, my own provider, my own friend . . .
ok time to cook!
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