Ok I hit rock bottom

I do not know why, but I have been inhibiting myself from experiencing all that I want to experience in New York. Maybe its the freezing cold temperatures that keep me away? Maybe it's the fear of the unknown.

Whatever it is, I realize that I am officially in that post-grad funk.

For some people it is fantastic, maybe? For others it is depressing? Well I guess I am going through a mixture of both. But then I try to remind myself that I have never had a chance to really be myself in a while. Especially at a big university where everyone on campus is so involved. But now I really want to put it into practice without trying to impress anyone or fit in anywhere.

Its true, college in many ways was like a bigger version of high school. And I never even sought out for an experience like that, it just fell into my lap. Until now only have I begun to realize that there are so many other categories to prioritize than school involvements. Because for me that was all there was for a time there. That was what kept me going or helped me through at the end of the day. Now I have absolutely no idea exactly what to get involved in. Sure I had a bunch of ideas and hopes and aspirations, but maybe some of that was just noise amidst a hyperactive over-stimulating college climate?

Well, I am no longer in college anymore, and I am starting to see more and more of what the real world is like everyday. I want to be humble and I do not want to pretend I am even super independent, a go-getter. Honestly, I have to learn how to that again in a big city, let alone, getting out of my apartment again and being comfortable just being alone. I find myself constantly reminding myself that this was a choice that I made, moving out to NYC with very little friends. And I have to remind myself that I do not know any strangers in that coffee shop, so why am I even worried that people in the coffee shop would judge me for being alone? I have to stop imagining the word "tourist" or "California girl" is stamped in big black letters on my forehead, or pinned to me back for all to see.

After processing it all, I realize that I am good at it though. Being alone and exploring by myself. I used to find a lot of joy and comfort in it. So I am waiting for it to click, for that adventurous spirit to come back. I lost it somewhere between the dream of coming to New York and my present reality. So . . . yeah I guess I will just see, maybe tomorrow will be different.