This is the second day in a row that I am writing blog post. I am starting to see my anxiety rise and even when I am at home and not under much pressure, I still have a lot of it. I need a better outlet to get my anxiety out. Most of it has to do with me not feeling like I have a path right now, and not really knowing which direction to go into career wise. I know what I would like to do but I am feeling hesitant of all these different supposedly progressive movement spaces, especially the paid kind. The movement here in the U.S. feels very much like a pay-to-play kind of situation. It takes connections and knowing who is already involved. I am honestly not seeing much space for creativity.
Earlier today I made longanisa for grandpa. I also chopped up onions, camote and cucumber with cilantro for the vegetables you generally should be eating with longanisa. I made garlic and onion fried rice and added cumin for flavor. And I made a vinegar patis mix with pepper. It was honestly a very yummy lunch. And last night, my cooking was successful! I made the lumpia sariwa for grandpa and he really liked it, despite my wrappers looking more pancake-like, he was very acknowledging of how delicious the food was. Afterward, Casey and I made out own version of peach mango pie, like the ones that they sell at Jollibee. It took forever but the pies came out to be very delicious. I think I like cooking more than baking, but I do like sweets.
Anyway, I tried putting in the same amount of energy into cooking today, but it took a while to get started. I just kept on reflecting. I think now is the correct time to reflect, but what does one do when you reflect for hours on end, and there is no conclusion about what you will do next? That is what has been happening to me lately. I feel like I think about the same things over and over again. And I still fantasize as if I were a student again. Today while watching the Filipino news with grandpa, I fantasized about being a news anchor. I wondered what that would be, but then I thought about how the owner of the news program probably makes millions of dollars, and here I was complaining about an executive director that made 250+K for the previous nonprofit that I worked for. I cannot seem to picture myself going all the way, I am always just finding myself in a place where I am very critical of the people who own these organizations and businesses.
Kind of makes me think: this is why I need to only do things that can serve myself. But I am still building up my own confidence to believe in myself like that. Every step forward I get nervous I am going to be a sell-out and I take two or three steps back. Whatever is going on, reflecting is not really working out for me. I think the issue is I am afraid and nervous to be completely honest with people. And I need to work on being more honest with myself if I am going to be up against other people who disagree with me.
