In many activist spaces nowadays, the term "self-care" is thrown around a lot or highlighted or sold to young 20-somethings who are passionate about social justice issues, but still suffer from figuring out how to survive in a capitalist system. Now, self care sounds great, it sounds positive and uplifting and perfectly attainable. But when you have a combination of depression/ anxiety disorder, "self care" sounds like a whole other level of tasks and to-do lists. More importantly, "self care" costs money.
I am working on my own concept of "self care". It combines seeking therapy, which I learned now can really eat away your wallet, so it is really "therapy" in moderation. I now use my therapy sessions in a very tactical way. I have objectives for each session just as we have objectives for each meeting or event in the movement. But damn, objectives for your own life and your own choices, and how you view them, are really really difficult to do.
So, I am trying something else. I will lessen the amount of sessions, and try to balance it out with other things. I am looking into qigong and dance classes again. I went to the gym last night, and even though it was just for an hour, it was different. And it felt good to work out again with mindless tv captions reading on the latest BS politics. Always an appropriate thing to do to stay engaged, but I want to try new things. I finally have the means to try new things! In my own mind I mean, it is a huge win on my part and something I hope I can make last for the next few months or so.
On the note of qigong, dance, and working out: I do miss the peaceful practices I was exposed to in my previous life. I liked the safe feeling that came along with it, even though being in a safe space was a very privileged thing. But I want to find ways to combine the "peaceful" with the "action-oriented agitation" that keeps me going. If I can find a good balance to those two things, I hope to find myself creating a combination of self care that I can work with, rather than feeling guilty for affiliating or practicing one more over the other. Or feeling like I have two separate mindsets or live in two separate lifestyles.
I also cooked this past week. It took time, just as exercising does, and it wasn't for the movement, but it was pretty cool to create something that benefitted me.
With this positive streak in mini-achievements, I had this idea (another for the mental library), to create some kind of blog site or website that highlights organizations that encourage self-care, but also keep in mind real action for communities, and encourage their activists to stay involved with the movement.
I want to create a subpage for that website that focuses on items you can buy, that really do get you cool tools to help with organizing or practicing self care, while providing funds to the movements. I will try to look at it from the perspective of, slowly . . . slowly . . . deconstructing our habits of capitalism. You know? We can slowly take time to spend less money, or at least save it for good things that 1) connect us to local organizations and 2) improve our organizing.
Anyway, I still have to figure out the details to this, but I think it would be really cool to do or highlight. Something different from the hipster versions of simply buying something that was made in a developing country or in the rural countryside. I want to highlight goods that support communities who are actively engaged in their own type of activism and advocacy! It is more than self-sustaining, but it has the capacity to check all the other oppressive systems.
These are just ideas, but I think I am catching on to something . . . and it feels really cool. So while I am working on self care, I hope to remain grounded to the people I fight for and to stay connected to the communities I am growing to love while being here in NYC.
Ultimately, I want the courage to describe my life and lives of others, I want the courage to tell stories again like I used to with my radio show, and to express my political consciousness rather than feeling wrong for it changing all the time or always trying to understand "other perspectives". Even though I think there is value in understanding the mindset of the oppressor, it can get very tiring. And some days I am just angry, justly angry. So, I hope this method will help me deal with that as well.
