I am reflecting on all the moments that have brought me to where I am now. Some days I am incredibly happy and proud of everything I have done. Other days I feel kind of depressed that I am unemployed. It is not because I desperately need money or I will be evicted from my apartment or anything like that. But somehow in my mind, finding a kick-ass full time job would equal to me feeling accomplished, successful, etc. etc.
But now, I wonder why so many people have to make sounding unemployed of this nature to be a drag, and consider being "successful" as the key to not screwing up. Where is that pathway to success that everyone is talking about? And does it really lead to success and happiness, or does it lead to more chasing of dreams that are someone else's? Are other people's dreams and ideas of success really visionary or are they equally as exploitative as other dreams or successful people today?
And the weirdest thing, I am having a really difficult time figuring out why I came to New York City. I know it was to build a career, but I had the idea of building a career on a very individualistic and selfish premise. To be honest, I did not really know who I wanted to help, but just knew that I wanted to help someone or some realistic cause that meant something to me, every single day. I wanted something that in the end would not equal to profit or simply an experience, but I wanted something that would have meaning to somebody. Something life-changing? Or, meh, something good in a day.
Recently I started an internship with the an aids health services office. I volunteer time doing outreach in the communities all around NYC. These are primarily in lower-income to middle class neighborhoods or the Bronx, Harlem, and Brooklyn. It is not a full time job, nor is it glamorous by any means. I do not interact with people every day, instead I go to their homes without them expecting me and I hope they are home. Then I hope they answer the door. Then I hope they understand me. And then I hope that they actually need the services. And finally, out of no control of mine whatsoever, I hope they accept the services. Because in my opinion, such services really helped a lot of people. My team and I are responsible for letting them know these services exist, and that they would be served by real people who care.
Honestly, this is hard work. It does not really build any skills professionally, but you certainly learn how to talk to people. I have to learn to be persuasive and outgoing, while come off as someone they can trust. And I have to be able to withstand 3-4 hours of straight walking and riding on the subway. It is not as easy as an office job, and to be honest it is not even more engaging than an office job. But when I got a woman to open the door today and just listen to my message, I felt so relieved. I really hope she does call the number we left her.
The pros to this professionally, I am exposed to public health. All throughout school, people said that public health was in no way a glamorous profession. And I completely understand that now. But I am finding it challenging and a learning experience every day that I engage with it. On the side of this outreach internship, I am continuing my internship with a nurses union. It is also public health, but it is public health policy and advocacy, also grassroots and ont he ground. However, I hope to learn more about the policy side of healthcare through this internship, and I am learning little by little.
Tomorrow, I have an interview with occupational health services. It is a very entry-level job, but at least I will be exposed to new things in public health. My goal is to be exposed to different kinds of public health to see which one fits me the best. And suddenly, I have three different areas within this sector to focus on. And it is really really cool. Then I realize, I am actually doing EXACTLY what I set out in New York to do! It is suprising in how these opportunities presented themselves, and it is slow in building, but I think I am on the right track. Or at least on some kind of track!
And on the side of course, community organizing with other passionate filipino youth. This is the only thing that is keeping my sanity in such a confusing yet defining time. Without this amazing crew, I would probably have moved back to California by now. But nope, they are dope, so I will stay.
Today, one of the people who did outreach with me, he told me that I need to come to New York with a plan and that I need to stick to it. He said that many people come to NYC to build up their careers and then they leave once they accomplished whatever they came here for. But even then, not many people actually help give back to the real New York. They just come to reap benefits from the city, without caring for the people affected by their business and presence. And so, I hold my presence here in New York not only with gratitude, but also with a sense of social responsibility. So even though some days I have no idea what the heck I am doing, I at least know that everyday I am doing something positive. :)
